i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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