who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
