he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
