i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
