Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
