I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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