he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
