No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
