There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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