Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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