Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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