You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
His nipple licking is glorious
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