God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize