i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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