I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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