New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
