he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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