so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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