I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize