put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
