I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There r osticjed everywhere
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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