Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
