just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize