My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize