if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
