I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
