the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
