Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
