So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Randomize
