i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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