We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
