Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
