just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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