I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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