I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
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