I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
