when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
