I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
