I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
