I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize