I accidentally had phone sex last night
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
