Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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