All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
