I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
