God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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