I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
pop tarts are not kleenex
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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