there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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