Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Randomize
