Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
