looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
