"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
