You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize