Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
