why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Randomize
