I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
