his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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