the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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