My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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