you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
