I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
